Sunday, 2 June 2013
I was regretting the past
and fearing the future.
Suddenly, my Lord was speaking.
"My name is I Am."
He paused. I waited. He continued.
"When you live in the past,
with its mistakes and regrets,
it is hard. I am not there.
My name is not "I was."
When you live in the future,
with its problems and fears,
it is hard. I am not there.
My name is not "I will be."
When you live in this moment
it is not hard. I am here.
My name is "I AM."
By Helen Mallicoat
Friday, 17 May 2013
I love thee, I love but thee,
With a love that shall not die,
Till the sun grows cold,
And the stars grow old.
~ William Shakespeare
It's been almost five and a half years since Ben had return Home to the Lord. So much has changed. The children and I have kept well together and soon, my nest shall be empty. Already we are planning to downsize, move to a new place- I still can't believe how far we had gone from the early days when Ben had just returned to the Lord.
I can't remember how many times I had missed him so much in the lone quiet nights that I would find myself holding out my hand into the empty space as if I could connect with him from over this side even up till now.
I know that I have learnt so much in the last five and a half years which is much more than my whole entire lifetime put together that I wished Ben was still here to see all the little successes and milestones his boys and I have achieved together in his absence. I know that I may not have done everything right but he would know that I have tried to do my best with what I know and somehow figured out the rest to make it this far. I know that I have become a better person compared to the one that I'd used to be when he was still here.
I know that I'll always be a little sad no matter how long my grief has paled out because I will always wish that I could be that better person for him and with him now and always, you know? He is all I still think about and only person I would want to tell things to when I have some great news or when there are things that are troubling me.
He always has an answer for everything and I find myself at a loss over the simplest things so oftentimes without him. But I know that he will always be there with me in spirit cheering me on until we meet again on the other side.
Friday, 26 April 2013
“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.”
― Edna St. Vincent Millay
Have you ever lost someone and missed him or her so much that you would find yourself typing out his or her name on Google search as if you would be given a clue as to somehow find your loved one again? But what if he or she can not be found anymore simply because they no longer share the same big skies and space on this same earth that you're in? Death is a fearsome idea to most because it separates you from your loved ones and lay a cold dimension between us and our loved ones that can never be reconciled, at least while we are still alive. They can only be kept alive through our memories and even then, it has a flaw in which our memories sometimes do fail us. Will we ever forget our most beloved forever if we lose our own memory even though we wish to keep them forever close in our hearts?
Just days back, I sat there trying so hard to remember the tune that Ben, my spouse (who had since returned Home to the Lord on the 5 January 2008) had used to whistle out for me, this only one of a kind tune whenever he reaches the door every evening after work. I felt almost angry but mostly disappointed at myself for just not being able to remember. How could I forget? Why didn't I whistle out that tune and recorded that somewhere when it was still there in my memory? Funny thing is, I never thought it was something that I would forget, but I did. Will I forget more and more over time and thus lose the memory of him completely someday? I don't hope that will ever happen unless old age diseases might crept up on me and rob me of my mental faculties someday. However, I do know that life and everything has to end eventually but love doesn't.
This is a special page dedicated to Ben. A tribute from us all, to a most excellent and brilliant man who have made our lives so much sweeter and better simply because he had been in it.
Thank you for reading!
*A TRIBUTE TO BEN
16June1957 - 5 January2008
I will never forget the look on Jackie, my sister's face, when she too, braved herself and gave a beautiful eulogy for the wake service. I wished there was more to be said about him for he was so rich in every experience whether encountered by me or anyone who had once crossed path with him. But I know that perhaps, no one might possibly be able to precisely encompass every description of what that had to be said of him.
To me, he is brilliant beyond words and numbers. He was like a walking calculator and a Thesaurus dictionary built into him at the same time. Excellent in every manner.
Ben had also been awarded the title, Doctor of Philosophy (Ph.D) in recognition of a programme of work entitled "The effect of frictional and thermal forces upon sea bed pipeline buckling behaviour" in 1986 and also, the title, Ir (Ingénieur).
His choice of music would have been a surprise to even his closest friends. It was wide ranging and almost diverse, to say the least. From the Blues and Soul to the likes of B.B. King, Muddy Waters, Swing music by Glenn Miller to the oldies, country, Rock 'n' Roll down to the melodious Chinese classics and the humble Er Wu instrumentals.
Who would also have guessed that he had enjoyed reading Chinese Sword Fighting novels (Wu Xia Xiao Shuo) in his own private time in the bathroom that which may explain his infamous length of time he had to spend behind that closed space.
My brother described him right when he said, "Ben was truly a Doctor of Philosophy!" Ben loved his life and lived it well. He always seemed to know the right things to say or do. Whenever there was a crisis anywhere, he does not disappoint.
He was unpretentious, generous in both thought and deed. He just seems to leave an impression on people whom he meets without doing anything more other than gleaming on his warm babyish smile or a simple exchange of kind words. Whether it was the old lady at the Chinese stall dishing out his favourite ‘Char Kway Teow’, or the Malay stall with the ‘Mee Rebus’ by that tree in the sleepy part of Melaka town or the Indian mamak who prepares his ‘Roti Canai’ the way he would like it, which is ‘garing’ (crispy), they just never forget him.
The Melaka Eurasian community remembers him and adopts him as their own. He always had his name called out and welcomed whenever he stepped into pubs or restaurants by singers who are mostly made up from the close knitted Eurasian settlement.
So does the Indian community. It is true that he was the single first ever Chinese to own a life membership with the Malacca Indian Association (MIA) with the Membership No. LA 1150. He also liked to sign his name in Tamil sometimes but his unique handwriting, like his personality always give him away whether he wrote in English, Tamil or Chinese.
I wished he did make time to register with the Hokkien Eng Choon Association. He would always make just one more stop, just so he could point out to his children with pride for there it lies, his ancestry roots, whenever he had passed by a building with that signage. It would have been, but their honour to have his name enlisted in their Registry!
His childhood friends would have been able to write a book about their own growing up tales with him that would have left you in stitches or cried to bits, if you ask them. Some stories which would have been almost unbelievably mischievous while others, many very heart warming tests of friendship where they had continued to look out for one another through the years.
At the work place, he was well received and even loved. It was from the very same place that he had found his many friends that was made out for life. He was a sincere and caring colleague whether to his superiors or subordinates. He was a discoverer of talents and would create opportunities where there was none to make them shine.
His friends continue to move on with their lives despite the void. Like me, I think, they too, would take a lifetime to forget someone as witty, funny and clever as him. He makes remarks that one will not recover if unprepared. He was always able to just spontaneously makes his own smart anecdotes and humour injected quotations for the relevant moment that we still live by.
He was a loyal and filial son to his parents, even to the point of his very last breath. He has never forgotten the sacrifices made by the older generation for his academic achievements.
I have read enough mother-in-law jokes to safely say that none applies when it comes to the relationship between my late mom and Ben. He loved her dearly and she adored and thought most highly of him in return too. My late mom once told me that Ben was an easily misunderstood person simply because he seemed so different from the rest of us, that many may even considered him eccentric. She then likened him to Albert Einstein! She said to me, "You know, sometimes brilliant brains work just a little different. That is why we call them genius."
At home, what would his children think of him? When they were asked in school to name their idol or hero, they did not quote some famous footballer or rock star. It was an answer that would have been worth much more to any parent than owning the whole world.
And finally, he was my better half, my soul mate, my best friend, my Champion.. who had taught me many things for without which, would not have made my life as fulfilling and complete as it had been.
Looking forward to a reunion someday in Heaven.. my love.
Love you forever Ben, the proud father of my children!
Inserts: The dare devil biking pics which Ben loved.