Friday, 17 May 2013

I love thee, I love but thee,
With a love that shall not die,
Till the sun grows cold,
And the stars grow old.

~ William Shakespeare

It's been almost five and a half years since Ben had return Home to the Lord. So much has changed. The children and I have kept well together and soon, my nest shall be empty. Already we are planning to downsize, move to a new place- I still can't believe how far we had gone from the early days when Ben had just returned to the Lord.

I can't remember how many times I had missed him so much in the lone quiet nights that I would find myself holding out my hand into the empty space as if I could connect with him from over this side even up till now.

I know that I have learnt so much in the last five and a half years which is much more than my whole entire lifetime put together that I wished Ben was still here to see all the little successes and milestones his boys and I have achieved together in his absence. I know that I may not have done everything right but he would know that I have tried to do my best with what I know and somehow figured out the rest to make it this far. I know that I have become a better person compared to the one that I'd used to be when he was still here.

I know that I'll always be a little sad no matter how long my grief has paled out because I will always wish that I could be that better person for him and with him now and always, you know? He is all I still think about and only person I would want to tell things to when I have some great news or when there are things that are troubling me.

He always has an answer for everything and I find myself at a loss over the simplest things so oftentimes without him. But I know that he will always be there with me in spirit cheering me on until we meet again on the other side.